A global support network for the LGBTIQ+ community

July 28, 2017


I saw how they treated the gay girls at school.

Dear Benji,

I had my first sexual encounter at seven. My mom had this best friend, whose daughter came by all the time. She would spend the holidays with us most times. One summer break we were home with the helper and we were in my room playing under the sheets and she sat on top of me and started to take my shorts off. I didn’t know what was happening but I didn’t want to stop her either. She took hers off as well and rubbed her vagina on mine. Again, no clue what we’re doing here but it felt so good. I mean, she was older so she must know what she’s doing. That’s all that matters right?

Growing up in a homophobic ‘Christian’ household made me hate that part of me. I suppressed it for years and it made me miserable. My teenage years were hell. Normal teenagers experiment their sexuality during high school, but I experimented with a fraction of mine. Then I met you.

I met you in 2009 and since then, we shared everything, literally, and I still kept a part of me hidden from you. Every night we’d spend on free-nights, I’d think about telling you but fear kept my mouth shut. I mean, I liked you, didn’t want you to think I was weird or something like that. I saw how they treated the gay girls at school. I mean if you’re even suspected of being a lesbian you wouldn’t graduate, and I wasn’t even sure what I was. I liked guys, but I like girls too but I not I’m not gay. I was sure of that!

I met you at the perfect time actually, because soon after you were the one to talk me out of slitting my wrists. You were there when I needed company through those sleepless nights. You maintained my sanity after that gruesome event that left a stain in my life that I’m still fighting to remove. For years you have been my confidant, my love, my best friend, but I pushed you away, numerous times, and each time it’s for the same reason.

How do you tell someone that you like girls but you’re not gay? That’s just unheard of. I honestly didn’t know how to tell you what I was because I really didn’t know myself. My identity came in stages so for most of my life I’ve just been winging it, but I couldn’t keep a secret from you even if I tried and I didn’t want to lose a friend because of something I may or may not be. So I hid it. I had an undying attraction to people and didn’t know how to address it.

So I started to educate myself and I learned more and more about myself each day. You helped me gain the confidence I now have today to say I am proud of who I have become. I am proud of me and every part of me. I am Pansexual and I am WOMBan. You saved my life Benji. Thank You.



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