A global support network for the LGBTIQ+ community

November 22, 2017

Handall Nelson

I still love you despite all the traumatic hate

Dear Mother,

I still love you despite all the traumatic hate that I had to navigate since I consciously knew myself. I know that I wasn’t the perfect masculine son that was going follow the rules of society and hide my self to appease your version of me. Understand that I never hated you, I just hated the fact that you were never a defender of my dignity, never someone I could talk to about the feelings I had inside, never the person I could be open with and not hide things that we essential to my survival.

I had to find myself, by myself without you and that was incredibly hard. I think you knew I was gay before I knew it, but instead of embracing that I was different and impervious to change, I was subject to horrible castigations and subjected to ridicule.

Despite all that you allowed to happen or perpetuate yourself on me. I thank you for the following.

- Your tremendous involvement in my educational life, you ensured that I didn’t miss a day of school and that I had all my supplies.

- Although sharing a roof was unbearable you never pushed me out of it. I was always afforded a bed.

- You ensured that I had food and clothing.

Knowing who I am, it would be easy to push me out and let me suffer a fate worst than death, but you didn’t do that, and for that I am grateful.

I still bear scars from the physical torture of you trrying to beat me straight, I still recall all the word of hate that pierced my dignity. If I should document all the homophobic memories, it would be enough fill several volumes. Mother, I’m happy, I have learnt to love myself, I am trying to forgive you.

Its not too late to be apart of my life, we can begin that conversation, you can become an ally!

Handall Nelson

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