You are perfect, your love is pure, you are strong and I am here for you.
March 1, 2018
From as early as age 6, I could remember feeling an extra thumb in my heart when talking to another boy from my grade one class. His smile captivated me, his touch sent chills down my spine, with childhood innocence I felt something that I could not explain, I remember constantly saying he was special to me. Unaware of what the word “love” meant at the time, unaware of society’s scorn for my type of love, unware of the biblical definition of love and how abominable my feelings were, I felt something insides that was pure which made him special to me, before the thought of sex was even introduced to my innocent mind. I remember my world shattering as his father pulled him by the hand through the school gates for the last time for a reason which I still do not know.
Ignorance is bliss, as I grew older surrounded by the ‘boom-bye-bye’ culture in Jamaica, coupled with the heavy indoctrination of the church transformed my feelings from pure to putrid. I hated myself every time I thought of a guy as cute, I hated myself for not being attracted to girls. Between the ages of 14 to 17 I drowned myself in religion hoping to pray the gay away. This period was the lowest of my life, riddled with depression, thoughts of suicide aside from the three failed attempts and emotionally absence. I was alone around my family and friends, trapped in my mind and a cycle of self-hate.
Slowly I started to understand that this is who I am. Accepting that only the smile of another male can captivate me and only the touch of another male can send chills down my spine, I started to learn to love myself, breaking the mental cycle of hate. My message for any young boy who finds another boy special to him, there is nothing wrong with you, love who you love and live your life. Be happy because you deserve it.