A global support network for the LGBTIQ+ community

March 27, 2018

Ness

I started inflicting pain to my body

When I first found out that I was gay👭I was 10 years old, I didn't understand what was going on but I was in the fourth grade of middle school and I realized that I had more than just a teacher student love for my teacher, like every time she talks to me, look at me or even touch me I'd shake and my heart beat would speed up. I really didn't understand what was happening to me so I started questioning the situation.

And the more I questioned it the more my body pressured me to accept what was happening.

I have always found female porn interesting and every time I watched it I'd imagine it like it was with my grade 4 teacher. When I went to grade six I told myself that I had to kill these thoughts because I didn't want anyone to treat me like an outcast sigh but sixth grade just got harder because I set eyes on the most beautiful girl in my class (Crystal) she was almost near perfection, I tried shaking off the feelings, but, 🤦🏽‍♀nothing, I craved her so much, It so happened that we became friends, we did almost everything together, We were best friends.

We were in the bathroom one Friday changing for P.E class and she started removing her uniform and I couldn't help but stare at how effortlessly flawless her body was sigh I don't know what happened but I walked up to her and pressed my lips against hers

It resulted in her pushing me away yelling and I lost my best friend 😔

I guess she told the class because they would laugh and whisper whenever I walk pass and they stopped talking to me, called me names (freak, lesbo, sodomite, nasty gyal) Pushed me around.

When it was P.E time They would lock me out the bathroom until they were all finish changing because they were afraid to be 'seen with me'

I would cry every second of every day, it was hard and frustrating and I just wanted to die, it was just too much and I couldn't tell my parents because my family is the most homophobic set of people alive, so this was my cross bare.

When I left middle school, I thought of high school as my new story, a chance to start over and I wasn’t about to mess that up. When I just started it didn't get easier, in fact, I was more exposed but I managed to push my sexuality inside because I didn't want to scare anyone off. Everything was going good and I became a closet lesbian until I met Katy (my first real girlfriend) I loved her to death, she was like my defence, like I could find some kind of protection from the world through her, but little did I know that I wasn't the only girl she was making feel special, she broke my heart and she told others that I was a lesbian and I forced her to be with her, soon my name started to spread around the school and I was called a lot of names; every and anyone knew who I was, but this time my shell was getting harder because I started to accept myself so I didn't care who accepted me...or so I thought,

Girls in my class would tease me, and say things like, "she's ugly that's why she turned gay, guys don’t find her attractive, she's not created by God”, "oh she's not normal" they wouldn't give me a break. Everything eventually reached to my parents ears and they started treating me different, my dad hated me from birth so being a lesbian made things even worst he didn't even want me to correspond with my smaller siblings they looked down at me, and outcast 😪a nobody an alien...I kept everything inside, I hated myself I hated how I look I wanted to die, I just thought that death was my only ticket out of this situation, so I started inflicting pain to my body, I started cutting my wrist, Burning my legs, overdosing, chopped off my hair; I just wanted to be non-existent last time I tracked my skin (cut) I ended up at the hospital where I was in a coma for nearly three (3) months

When I woke up I went to rehab and therapy to begin my road to recovery. At first it was kind of hard trying to adjust but when we had something they called "share day" where everyone would talk about their past, I realized there were other persons going through the same and worst situation that I faced as a 'lesbian' in Jamaica. Today I am proud of my recovery, I'm better and stronger

I currently have a girlfriend of nearly three years, we're doing great and we're both doing great (successfully). I still get nasty remarks here and there but I shrug it off they don't matter because I don't mind. I wouldn't change who I am to save my life, I am LESBIAN A proud representative of the LGBT community.

Become An Ally